The Mumbai Local As We Know It

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That moment of silence just as the 8.54 Churchgate bound train pulls into Mira Road station. The calm before the storm. The train slows down. AAAND THIS IS WAR!

Having already missed FOUR trains, I steel myself and join in the fray. 

 “PUSH! PUSH! PUSH HARDER!”  I yell desperately as I'm struggling to get a foothold. I'll admit that I'm just not cut out to ‘hang out’ à la Mumbai. I deem my position too dangerous. Now it's a battle for survival.

Then, I proceed to literally HUMP the guy ahead of me! Urging him to move inside an already over-over crowded train. Abuses, curses and expletives are being hurled at me by him. I'm far too used to this so I simply ignore him.

Next, the train arrives at Dahisar station. More crowd barges in. And an even more awkward rendition of "I'm sexy and I know it" dance/hump. 

One guy goes "Bharat maata ki... JAI" "Apne apne maata pita ki... JAI!"

Then, another one joins in with "SWATI BHABHI KI... JAI!!"

I go "Are you serious? What on earth?" until a sudden jerk causes me to get smothered by a sea of perspiry bodies from both sides, asphyxiating me and I slam headfirst into a fat guy's pits. The vile stench probably singed my nostrils. Retching, I straighten up. God!

Today, I had the privilege of getting a seat when the train reached Andheri. A rare luxury, I tell you. Grateful to the Gods above, I flop down onto the seat. To my utter annoyance, I see a couple of whom I call 'free-riders' , board the first class compartment without a ticket. I’ll humour you with a few excerpts from their enlightening conversation:

"Too many corrupt employees, that's why the railways is facing enormous losses" Mr.Free-rider No.1 verbalizes his disdain. To which, Mr.Free-rider No.2 acquiesces "Yes, the government is very corrupt too. Can't trust anyone these days". The third one was about to voice his opinion, when the burly ticket collector asked them for their tickets. As they were escorted out of the train, I smiled with savage pleasure.

All in all, despite our hatred of the crowds and trains, we owe our lives to these services. Also, every local train travel is an adventure in itself, all the while bumping into whimsical and funny people, and sometime even singing the bhajans and hymns along with the crowd.

Oh and yes, the eunuchs too. They deserve a special mention because they're the only people who give out terms of endearments such as 'handsome', 'hero', 'chikna'. At least someone in this big, bad and ungrateful world praises me, even if it is only to satisfy their monetary motives.

On an ending note, those of you who don't travel in trains as much and now feel the compelling need to do so, just to experience this experience, please don't come. It's  too damn crowded as it is.

 ~ Prabhat Nambiar,TYBA

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